You know the drunken images of pink elephants in "Dumbo"? This has nothing to do with that. Maybe.

[Warning: This one contains references to various fictional works, including Harry Potter, Peter Pan, The Lion King, among others. Which means spoilers. Buck up.]

I have problems growing up.

I didn't mean I have problems in the process of growing up. I mean, I do have problems in the process of growing up, but I suspect that practically everyone does also, and stating the obvious like that is just not really my style, so that isn't what the sentence above means.

It also doesn't mean that I have problems and those problems are growing up. Some of them are growing, sure, but I can't comment definitely about the direction.

No, no, the first sentence up there means that I have problems with the growing up process itself, and those problems are becoming quite significant speed bumps in my attempts of up-growing.

The main problem, for me, is that growing up means, in part, knowing a lot of stuff that I don't previously know. This might seem surprising, and as I'm typing this down I am slightly surprised myself. I like learning about new things.

But I hate it when the knowledge takes my innocence away.

For instance, do you know about Frank and Alice Longbottom? They are a couple of wizards from the Harry Potter universe. The most remarkable thing about them is that they were tortured to insanity.

Ponder upon that. Tortured to insanity.

I mean, if I were, say, 10, I'd have thought nothing of it. I might have left it at that (they were tortured, and now they are insane) and accepted it. Done. But now.... Every time I see or hear their names, I can't help imagining the torture process. Sure, it was done with the Cruciatus Curse. Do we really know what the curse feels like? Of course, the notes made by Albus Dumbledore in "Babbity Rabbity and the Cackling Stump" describes the sensation as being chopped on the sides with an ax, but this might just be a partial description.

In any case, do you have any idea what a horrible concept that is, being tortured to insanity? Imagine the most severe pain you have ever experienced. I don't know, maybe it's getting your teeth pulled out. Or having a tendon torn. Or perhaps circumcision. I don't know what your experiences are, but you stayed sane, right? The torture on the Longbottoms must be at least more than your worst experience of pain. Think about it.

And that's just about pain. Violence. I haven't even mentioned sex yet. The image of Frank and Alice Longbottom being sexually tortured is, for me, terrifying, made even worse by the fact that no physical act is done. The Cruciatus Curse is purely psychological, at least to my knowledge. Imagine their faces, contorted and distorted in pain, their eyes rolling back, tongues lolling, saliva dripping, their bodies twisted, wishing for relief that will never come.

Therefore, I think the Cruciatus Curse - and not the Horcrux - is the most terrible magical invention in Harry Potter's universe.

....

No, wait. I didn't mean to argue about curses, what was my original point again...?

Ah yes. Innocence lost.

But I think my point's already fairly made. Armed with the adult knowledge, I can't help imagining various scenarios that could possibly happen. If we want to look for more (possible) examples from the Harry Potter universe, I can name a few: Umbridge was raped by the centaurs (considering their mythological reputation), Rubeus Hagrid's father undertook a 'journey to the center of Fridwulfa', and Albus and Gellert fought with their 'wands'. Vigorously.

You want to try other franchises? Simple. Who's your favorite character? Imagine that character's parents having sex. Depending on their biology and your understanding of the process and variations of sexual intercourse, the scenario can be quite... dark.

To start you off, I'll mention some characters or settings I knew as a child. Don't limit yourself.

1. Mufasa and Sarabi and Sarafina and the other female lions. And maybe Scar. Oh, and then Simba and Nala and the aforementioned female lions.
2. Heracles, more commonly known as Hercules. You might be shocked.
3. Tarzan and the adolescent female gorillas (around 10 years old).
4. Nobita and Shizuka, all grown up.
5. The Flintstones. Must be rocking awesome.
6. The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. American teenagers in an abandoned factory. Not to mention Alpha 5 and Zordon.
7. King Solomon and his 1000 wives/concubines.
8. Hell. Just... hell.

That's it. Come up with your own examples.

Of course, this might be just me being weird and overthinking stuff that resulted in... in... a scenario where Princess Jasmine played games with Rajah the tiger. Damn.

But at least for me, adulthood ruined childhood.

No wonder Peter Pan chose not to grow up. Can you imagine Peter and the Lost Boys, all grown up, living together underground beneath the tree, with no adult males to emulate and learn from except pirates? And that Native American Chief? Neverland is more fun when you're a kid.

Even now, I admit, I still consider myself a kid. Maybe I'm damaged, somewhat.

They are measurable, but I'm keeping the exact numbers private.

Right! It's about a week after New Year's.

I know, I know, it's such a cliche, making and talking about (and usually subsequently abandoning) one's new year's resolution. Perhaps nowadays it's even more of one, talking about not making a resolution in the first place, since most of us who happen to make one nearly always stop short of fully actualizing it.

The thing is, I've never made one before. I suppose I'll try it this year. This is influenced in no small part by David Wong's column on Cracked, which a friend of mine suggested for people who want to make resolutions. Read it. It's good, and not only for making resolutions, but for life in general. The main message is this: Do Things. Anything. I have to agree. And who knows, perhaps that's what's been wrong with my life, not making new year's resolutions. Here goes.

My 2013 Resolution

or

Things I Think, at the Beginning of This Year, I Should Do This Year

1. Get Good with the Piano. I think I've not got very many skills, and I think there's nothing wrong with piano-playing. Inspired by Mr. Tim Minchin. I love watching that man. If you're anything like me, you should look him up. Try "Woody Allen Jesus".

2. Write. I'll say it again. Write. I love reading, and I think that's the next logical step, write something of my own. I'm not going to restrict myself, but there are 2 things I want to do regarding writing: I want to write a song (related to item 1 above), and I want to write something that will get published. Now I'll have to get a notepad to jot down ideas. Oh, and the pen also. Bugger. Very well.

3. Exercise. This particular item must have a place in most new year's resolutions, I reckon. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't make its way onto mine. Seriously. I need to lose these globules of lipid lurking just beneath my skin. I mean, I know I like boobs, but I guess I should try living without them first. Hopefully then other boobs will come to me. Wink, wink.

4. Beg for Forgiveness. This is something I think I really must do before the year is out. To whom? To my parents of course. I've done some things, man, and some stuff, that will have undesirable consequences should they happen to find out from sources that are not me. I should tell them about those things myself.

That's it. Four items. That's four more than all the previous years' items put together. I know, it's going to be a challenge, and as I said I've not much experience in trying to commit to a set of goals I've decided on. A resolution, I think, should be, well, resolute. Unyielding. Adamant. And all the other synonyms of those words. So I'll need help with this. If any of you readers happen to meet me and see me not trying to do or trying not to do the things above, give me a swift but hopefully not unkind kick. Okay? Okay?

Okay. Thank you!