.......

I am not happy.

That was surprisingly hard to admit.

I am not happy.

I'm not sad, just... not happy.

I wasn't always like this, you know.

Time was, I used to feel strongly about things. I used to feel shock. Sadness. I used to fear.

Fear.

The emotion I hated the most was fear. I knew what it was to fear. To dread the morrow, to wish for the cup to be taken away, to feel in my bones that what was coming to me was loathsome, and to make every effort to avoid it.

I used to fear things. Many things. Bullies. Teachers. Tomorrow's classes. Exams. My parents' wrath regarding bad exam marks. Rejection. Acceptance. Isolation. Suffocation.

I hated fear. It was terrible. It was as if my heart would like nothing better than to stop its rhythmic beating just so that I can't feel it anymore. It was painful. I didn't want to fear.

I was afraid of fear.

I tried to avoid fear. But instead of endeavoring to strengthen myself, to surpass the fearful hurdles, I acted as if the hurdles were not even there to begin with. I diminished the problem by thinking that there was no problem.

I spake "Let there be Nothing."

And Nothing was.

Nothing is.

Inside.

No fear. No surprises. No joy. No desire. No passion.

No love.

No life.