Great Imperfection

Right. I promised myself yesterday (2013-02-20) that I'm writing a new post today.

Stupid self, turning something fun into an obligation, a debt, making it far less enjoyable.

I'm kidding, of course. I still enjoy writing. And today, rather than pick a topic that is provocative, controversial, and/or exciting, I'd rather stick to that which I have had the pleasure of knowing since my childhood.

Heracles.

Most of you would be more familiar with the name 'Hercules', which is the name of the Roman version of the guy. Now, contrary to form, I will put off writing what I think of him until later and instead write what I think I know of him. You don't have to read all of this, of course, like before, I've put some asterisks to mark the start and the end of the narration.

*******

Heracles was born to Alcmene, a queen (or was it a noblewoman?), after Zeus (king of the gods) impregnated her. It wasn't just any old divine conception either. Zeus had done this before, he knew how it's done. He had made sweet love as a golden light/liquid to Danae (which spawned Perseus), as a bull to Europa, and as a swan to Leda. Actually that happened later, and spawned Helen of Sparta and her siblings. So this time was no exception. He impersonated Amphytrion, Alcmene's husband, while the guy was away, and came unto Alcmene in a night that lasted as long as three regular nights.

Heracles was originally named Alcides, but after Hera (wife of Zeus, angry at his husband's infidelity) sent a pair of snakes to kill the boy (which failed), they changed his name to 'Glory of Hera' in an attempt to appease the goddess. Let's see how that worked out.

So young Heracles, having strangled a couple of snakes as a baby, continued to live with his extraordinary strength. As a young man, that strength got him into trouble. One example was when he got mad at his lyre instructor, Linus, and threw a lyre at him, at which point Linus promptly dropped dead. Too bad nothing like this has happened in my classes. Imagine if somebody threw a guitar at a sucky professor. Hmm.

Let's carry on. Afterwards, he went to Thebes. He met a girl, named Megara, and married her. How nice. Didn't last long. Hera made him mad (as in 'insane') and in his madness he slew her and their children. Turns out not even renaming can soothe the wrath of a goddess betrayed. Of course, murder was murder, and it was still a crime, even in ancient times. So he went before Eurystheus, king of Tiryns, according to the directions of the Oracle at Delphi (secretly influenced by Hera).

As a penance for his crime, Heracles was set to tasks that are difficult, dangerous, or simply impossible at first sight. Doesn't matter. He did them anyway. These are the famous Labours of Heracles. Just the essentials.

1. He killed the Nemean Lion, a lion which had impenetrable skin. How did he do this? Why, he wrestled the lion, of course. And choked him to death.
2. He killed the Hydra of Lerna, a serpent/dragon that had nine regenerative and duplicating heads, by burning the severed stumps of the neck and burying the one immortal head under a rock.
3. He captured a golden hind that was sacred to Artemis by chasing it non-stop for a year.
4. He captured a boar from Erymanthus.
5. He cleaned a stable capable of housing a few hundred animals, in one day, by redirecting the flow of two rivers.
6. He killed the bronze-beaked Stymphalian birds.
7. He captured the mad bull from Crete.
8. He stole the flesh-eating mares of Diomedes.
9. He retrieved the girdle of Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons. Diplomatically, I must add. At least at first.
10. He stole the cattle of Geryon, a giant with three bodies (from the waist up). Well, I said stole, more like took with force, since he fought and killed Geryon.
11. He stole the apples of the Hesperides. This he did by, among other things, holding up the sky (Ouranos) for a while, during which Atlas (the usual sky-bearer) retrieved the apples from the forbidden garden.
12. He captured Cerberus, the three-headed (and possibly snake-tailed) dog which guarded the entrance to the realm of Hades.

Althought it was mostly pest control, Heracles did all of it with glorious success. And so, he was free. His crimes were forgiven. He did many other things, though, not just the twelve labours. He served on the Argo with the supergroup Argonauts under Jason. He freed Prometheus (the humanist Titan who stole fire from the theist Zeus) by killing the eagle who ate his heart (or liver) everyday and breaking the unbreakable chains that bound him. He even squeezed Thanatos (Death) in a bear hug in order to bring back one of his recently deceased friends. He killed many people and beasts. I can't remember them all. Let's skip to the end.

So when he was older, Heracles was married to a girl named Deianira. They had children. They were happy. One day Heracles and Deianira came upon a swift river. Heracles could have swum across, sure, but Deianira? No way. Then came along Nessus, a centaur. He suggested Deianira rode on his back while Heracles swam across. They accepted his offer. But centaurs were, to say the least, crafty, and Nessus was no exception. So of course he tried to run off with (which is probably a euphemism for 'tried to rape') Deianira. He seemed to forget that this was Heracles that he was stealing a woman from. Heracles shot him with an arrow. Remember the Hydra? Well, it had poisonous blood. And after it died, Heracles dipped his arrows in said poisonous blood. So Nessus, having been shot with some Hydrachloric Acid, started to die. But he managed to speak a few words to Deianira. He said that if she should ever have reason to doubt her husband's fidelity, she should give Heracles a shirt soaked in his - Nessus's - blood. It would restore his love in her, he said. It seems that Deianira was such a gullible lass, because she simply thought "Oh, okay," and proceeded to collect Nessus's blood. Then Nessus died, and the couple went on their way.

But it came to pass that Heracles, in his old age, took a concubine named Iole. Deianira tolerated this, at first. But Iole was younger and prettier, so fear got the better of her. She remembered Nessus's dying words, and (somewhat desperately) did as Nessus advised. She gave Heracles a shirt (or was it a robe? Some manner of clothing, in any case) soaked in the centaur's Hydra-poisoned blood.

The effect was immediate. The poison burned Heracles's skin. He tried to take it off, but it clung to him like a... like a wet, sticky, blood-soaked shirt normally would, only more firmly and painfully. Deianira, seeing what she had done, killed herself in regret. But that didn't stop Heracles's pain, of course. In the end, he set up a pyre and lay down on it, asking for someone to set him on fire and end his pain with death. No one dared, except an archer named Philoctetes. He agreed to set Heracles aflame. For this, Heracles rewarded him with his (still poison-tipped) arrows.

Thus, the great hero died. But that's not the end. Apparently Zeus was happy with Heracles's work of heroing around, so he rewarded him with immortality and godhood. He rose to Olympus, and somehow made peace with Hera. He even married Hera's daughter, Hebe. And they lived happily ever after.

*******

There. That was the story of Heracles, as I could remember it. I cheated a little, though. I consulted Wikipedia (of course) and Godchecker. Whatever. Sue me. I had many other sources, of course. My first exposure to Heracles was the Kevin Sorbo TV series, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, which was a masterpiece. Every Sunday School in my early childhood was spent in passionate anticipation of the series which was broadcast at 10. The second had been the (heavily Americanized) Disney animated feature, titled Hercules, which understandably took a lot of liberties and was very clean, as it was aimed at children. I also read from the Disney encyclopedia (I forgot the exact title, but I remembered it was from book 10: Myths and Legends) and various other books on Greek mythology. My single favorite rendition of the tale is the one by Menelaos and Yannis Stephanides. It had beautiful pictures and did not dress up the ugly parts too much. If you want to know about Heracles, I heartily recommend that book. It's large and thick. And pretty. And lots of the drawings feature nearly nude people.

In any case, Heracles is probably my favorite character in all narratives. More than Sherlock, Gandalf, or even Aslan. Sorry. But that's true. It's really hard to admit it. But there it is. Again, sorry.

But of course Heracles was not unique. As with a lot of characters, there are archetypes and stereotypes and similarities. I'll try comparing him with two characters from the Christian Bible.

The first one is Samson. You can read about him in Judges 13-16. Perhaps because of the similarities to Heracles, he is my favorite character in the Old Testament. Here goes:

• Both were strongmen. You know, the 'Tank' in modern RPG games.
• Both used blunt weapons. Herc used a club, while Sam used an ass's jawbone.
• Both killed a lion. Again. THEY EACH KILLED A LION. Awesome.
• Both were hairy. Well, Samson was definitely hairy, but I had less data of Heracles being hairy too. Mostly pictures. But that's the way I always picture him, so to hell with it.
• Both got screwed by a woman. In Samson's case, it was Delilah tattling to the Philistines, in Herc's, it was Deianira (see above).
• Both died by their own acts, whether directly or otherwise. Samson destroyed a Philistine building, killing himself (and a few thousand Philistines) in the process, while Heracles set his own funeral pyre (so to speak, see above). It could also be pointed out that it was Heracles who made Nessus's blood poisonous.

The other one is my favorite character from the New Testament, Jesus of Nazareth. Sources: the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

• Both were conceived by divine means, and their foster fathers brought them up willingly.
• Both were loved by their divine fathers. Apparently.
• Both were considered threats to the established ruling class. In Heracles's story, Eurystheus feared that Heracles would try to claim the throne, and in Jesus's case, the Sanhedrin feared a revolution by the proletariat, led by the popular Jesus.
• The most striking similarity between them, for me, is the apotheosis that both of them experience. Both went to their respective abode of the gods (or God) and was deified.

Granted, the similarities between Jesus and Heracles (at least the ones that I remembered) was not that many, but I have always speculated how Heracles might have been some sort of messiah for the Greeks. Sure, Heracles lived in the Heroic Age, and heroes were not in short supply. Besides Heracles, we've got Perseus, Theseus, Bellerophon, Jason, Oedipus, Atalanta. And those were the ones before the Trojan War, where we have Achilles, Odysseus, Hector, Paris, Ajax, Agamemnon, Menelaus, and many more.

But the one thing that, for me, sets apart Heracles from the others, is that his story ends happily. Nearly all the others in Greek mythology, if they don't simply die, end in tragedy. Achilles got shot in the heel. Jason died old and lonely. Oedipus was the king of tragedy. Even the Trojan War ended in a Pyrrhic victory. But not Heracles. He was made a god. Although he faced many ordeals and difficulties, I did not sense sadness in Heracles's stories.

His was a happy life, with a happy end.

And that, my friends, is why I love Heracles.







Too bad nowadays his name is used so disrespectfully by people such as this:

Fuck you, man. Seriously, fuck you.